WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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