i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
