Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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