the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
