My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize