Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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