just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
