This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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