Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
