Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
