Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
