mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize