A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
