'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
