chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
