it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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