i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
