so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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