Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
