u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
