you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
whose parrot is this?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
