I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
