Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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