I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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