my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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