TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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