Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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