If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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