I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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