Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
