i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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