New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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