I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
