i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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