I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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