Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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