Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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