Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
