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then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
