My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
