Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
