So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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