She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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