I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
