Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
