nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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