i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
