Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my being single is dangerous.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
