Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
