he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
