He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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