nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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