you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
