dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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