I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My dad just said "fuck circus"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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