I think my vagina is haunted
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something