im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.