I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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