the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you traded sex for a burrito?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals