Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...