Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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