I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
