I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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