I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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